Recently, I was reminded of the time years ago when, in complete desperation, I dumped my 11-year old son’s partially eaten bowl of cereal into his lap minutes before he was to depart for the school bus. This came only after I had withstood a seemingly endless barrage of unreasonable arguments about whether he would have his school picture taken with a particular background that day; there is a common expression parents often use, which is “I just lost it”; and just to make matters worse, I threw his backpack out on the front step which was particularly problematic since we lived on a main street.
In retrospect, this one was minor; he simply didn’t want the same school picture background as his brother and sister, choosing instead the most hideous alternative, and one that definitely would not allow me to create the coveted tri-fold picture gift for his grandparents. As usual, trying to reason with him was completely useless, and my patience had simply evaporated. People who don’t have children like this sometimes say, “Well, my child wouldn’t dare to defy me in that way; if I told my child to do something, they just would”.
I could understand this sentiment, because I had one of those too. And that is not to say that she was a pushover by any means, in fact, far from it. But she could be flexible, and respond to a point of view that she didn’t necessarily share. In fact, with time, it almost became surprising for me when she would acquiesce to my wishes as there didn’t seem to be anything that my son (the one in question) would not argue about.
If you have a challenging child, the kind who questions just about everything you ask them to do, finds it difficult to transition from one thing to the next when necessary, has a strong will and stays up nights trying to figure out how to drive you to the brink, consider this. Arguing with a child like this only encourages them because they can’t help themselves. Instead of trying to convince them of your point of view, ask them a question, like “What do you think about this”, or “What else could you do about this”? They never know what to do with that.
It was the kind of question that would stop my son in his tracks although I didn’t figure that out for a long time, and not soon enough to avert the above-mentioned disaster. By asking a question that relieves them of the dread they feel that someone is going to try to control them or that they’re going to have to defend themselves, they are forced to think about what they want as well as possible alternatives or concessions; it is only then that their ability to consider any alternative other than the one that they are trying to ram down your throat becomes available to them.
I wish I could say it gets much better. The basic make-up of a child doesn’t change, and some are definitely more challenging than others. The technique of putting the question back on him definitely helped to ratchet down the number of daily skirmishes, thereby making life more palatable for the whole family but despite my best intentions, I still had those moments when I continued to “just lose it”. The good news is that they grow up and believe it or not, sometimes the most challenging behaviors reflect an inner drive and determination that will turn out to be assets in their adult life. Just try to keep the long view; you may also want to consider taking up yoga or meditation.
Portions of this post previously appeared on Different Is Not a Disorder.
Latest posts by Claire T. Russell (see all)
- Not for the Faint of Heart: Tips for Parenting a Challenging Child - February 20, 2018