Is Two Too Much?

If you are contemplating expansion of your family size, even if reluctantly so, you may also want to take some of the following harsh realities into consideration:
• World over population.
• Over-population of jeans in your closet that you are already unlikely to fit over your thighs again.
• 10-20 more years of withholding curse words, forcing yourself to yell, “oh FRONT DOOR” when you stub your toe.
• Keeping up with technology. At least enough to know how to throw a wrench in the WiFi at whim and block Mickey Mouse Attacks Minnie Mouse videos disguised as benign learning-to-count games. YouTube is not on our side, parents!
• Your feet will grow as much as two sizes with each pregnancy. That’s right, say goodbye to your favorite shoes. Depending on your starting point, you may have to say goodbye to all shoes for a while. Sure, your two-year-old can play in them all they’d like now, might as well.
• Spring break. It’s no longer a vacation, it’s a “trip”. There’s a difference. While difficult to discern, you’ll come to understand quite clearly should you choose to expand your family. As a sneak peek, I offer you this: during one, there is tequila. During the other, a toddler affixed to your knee for the duration. Oh, who am I kidding, there’s tequila in both. But one knee is potentially void of barnacles when you have one child. When you have two, the only time that will happen is when one is napping. Otherwise, they are likely squabbling about something while clinging to you. Should you add a third, no limb is safe.
• With an additional log on the fire comes complete obliteration of your devotion to organic, non-GMO, preservative-laden foods. You may find yourself indulging in diaper warmers, outfitting your abode in video monitors, and a slew of other things you said you’d never use or do: Goldfish Crackers. Chicken Nuggets. Ice cream with Blue #40 as a top 3 ingredient. Macaroni and Cheese. For breakfast.
• College tuition, even in-state, starts in the six-figures. Shut THAT front door!

How to Make a Comeback When Your Wild Things Are Winning

You know those days when the kids’ noise level has reached a fever pitch, and all you want — with the passion of a parched woman in the desert — is a little peace and quiet? It’s even harder when you’re tired, which is every. single. day. There you are, bringing all the care you can muster to your mess of tiny humans, while silently screaming “Please SHUT UP for the love of God!”

Here are the five comeback strategies that work best when my wild things are winning.

The Mommy Wars Within

Apart from what I’ve witnessed at playgrounds, birthday parties, and Thanksgiving dinners, the Mommy Wars rage in my mind. I returned to work only six weeks after my oldest daughter was born and the struggle, the crippling indecisiveness to stay in the workforce or stay at home has remained a constant for seven years.

Being A Mom Leaves Stretch Marks on the Heart

I’ve never given my stretch marks a second thought. After all, they’re not that big, they’ve faded over time and aren’t very noticeable, and besides, I don’t regret any of them because they mark me as a mother.

I’d forgotten they were even there, to be honest. But the other morning as I stood bent over, eye-to-stretch mark, I couldn’t miss them. And suddenly, I had a thought about how a different type of stretch mark is happening to me right now. It’s one that no one else can see, but it marks me as a mother just the same.

My oldest daughter – the OG stretch mark maker, herself – left on Thursday to go halfway around the world to perform with her dance company, The Jefferson Dancers. They’re in the South of France (Ooh! La! La!) for ten days.

It’s my heart that’s being stretched right now – and it’s going to leave a mark for sure.